Trying to balance my identity with my new religion

By: David Warga

Posted: 5/2/07

My teenage years were tumultuous for the most part. My father committed suicide when I was 13, I "came out" at 15, and my relationship with my mother was uneasy, mostly attributable to her addiction to prescription pills. After many battles with my mother, we agreed that it would be best if I moved away from home. I had recently started dating a boy named Dani--a 19-year-old sophomore who attended Carnegie Mellon University. We discussed the possibility of living together, and after only a short time together, I moved into his room in a group house near the CMU campus.

Dani grew up in an Orthodox community in Silver Spring, Md., called Kemp Mill. Since he had come out to his parents only a year earlier, there was continued tension between his identity as a gay man and his parents' religious life. Though he maintained a connection to his Jewishness through a deep love for Israel and visits home for holidays, he mostly resented his religious upbringing.

About a year into our relationship, I began prodding him about his Jewishness and Judaism. Though apprehensive at first, eventually, he opened up. It wasn't about religion or belief in G-d at that time. I felt that my involvement in Dani's Jewishness would allow our relationship to grow stronger. Yet, performing the rituals like 'Netilat Yada'im' before eating bread or 'Kiddush' on Friday night invigorated me. I became more engrossed in the rituals of Judaism. Soon I began living a Jewish life. I started keeping Shabbat and Kosher. And after learning to read Hebrew, I started praying. None of this really made Dani want to be religious, but he supported me anyway. So following a lot of contemplation, I decided I wanted to convert.

As I became more entangled in Judaism, I realized one day that I was performing all these mitzvoth, but I never really scrutinized my belief in G-d. In fact, the idea of G-d made me uncomfortable. I didn't grow up in a religious family, so when my soul trembled from the rituals I was performing, I became anxious. I stepped back and reflected upon the past several years. Where did G-d fit into my practice of Judaism? How can I be gay and religious?

Well, I faced the reality of my situation while Dani and I were on a United Jewish Communities' trip to Israel with nearly forty other gay Jews and their partners. It was the first trip of its kind for the UJC, and everyone with the group was thrilled. The scholar-in-residence on the trip was R. Steve Greenberg-the gay Orthodox Rabbi featured in the movie "Trembling before G-d." While on the trip, Dani and I were able to discuss my situation with him. Though I don't think it was any one thing he said, it was the way that he balanced his sexuality with his spirituality that really affected me. He showed me that a person could be Orthodox and gay simultaneously.

Finally, I felt comfortable with my belief in the existence of G-d. I sought an Orthodox rabbi to supervise my conversion.

Unfortunately, I was unable to find an Orthodox rabbi willing to convert me for halakhic reasons. So, I chose to study with Rabbi Feinberg of Adas Israel in DC-a Conservative rabbi-instead. My Jewish Studies minor here at UMD allowed me to skip the conversion course normally required. I finished my conversion during Spring Break of this year. Now, Dani and I are preparing to make Aliyah, move to Israel, in September.

David Warga is a senior linguistics and Jewish studies major. He can be reached at Dwarga@umd.edu